RIVER OF LIFE, CURRENT OF POSSIBILITIES

Recently, I broke a promise that I had made to myself when I first started writing this blog . I said to myself "write once a week Ellen, no matter what". Well, I guess the old adage is right, promises are made to be broken, because not having enough matter has not been my issue. Nearly a month has gone by and not one word had I written. Why?, sometimes the words were scripting across my mind in such rapidly fury that the unfolding stories of my experiences would have filled volumnes. Other times, I could not find a single word to describe my feelings because I hadn't yet had the time to digest my quantitative and qualitative events. In these moments, my tongue lay silent and dormant, waiting to name these hallmark moments that could do justice to my soul.

Perhaps my truth is simply this; sometimes, I jump into the river of life and feel adequately prepared to trust in the current of possibilities that move me forward. When the rapids appear, I begin to feel my adrenaline rising with the water level and I remind myself that saying yes to life, is not without risk. It never fails that once my nervous system has thoroughly kicked into high gear and I am in new territory, that my "eddies" appear. An Eddy is an unstable water vortexthat creates turbulant circular motions driven by an air current; much like a perfect psychic storm, when I am in emotional overload, I begin to over think my situation and excess self analysis begins. Now, I am living in my head and am temporarily doomed.  When I lose connection to my body, I lose connection to my essential wisdom and my ability to navigate through any tumultuousness.  These psychic eddies trap me in a temporarily state of internal self doubt and review that calls forth all the "what if" and "if only".  When I am finally thrown back out of the eddy to continue on my way, I am left, once again, humble, sleep deprived, vulnerable and wiser. I have come to learn and accept that this is our natural part of any good journey.  

Yes, my days as well as my nights, have been full and long with emotions of haunting sentiment. While I prepared the traditional foods on Good Friday for Easter dinner, in the absence of my mother, who passed one year ago on Good Friday, my daughter and  friends helped me, entertained me and surrounded me with their love. It was for the love of her and my grandmother that each year I partake in this ritual of rolling dough, then filling, folding and pinching together our infamous Ukrainian pirogies. There were moments this year that my eye caught the similarity of my own bony and muscular hands and  that of my Grandmother's hands. In these moments, I smiled inwardly and felt her presence coming through. Continuing this simple tradition is the closest I can get to touching her and my mother, so I don't imagine I will end this Spring tradition any time soon. 

I also celebrated twin birthdays as I do every year with my daughter Iris, who was born at home in my woodland sanctuary thirty years ago. Each year, I relive the memory of her birth with all its power and spiritual blessings. I remember myself as a young mother, who possessed a primordial power of fearlessness and confidence in my feminine body. I had utter trust in my body and in Spirit, that I would know how to move my baby through the dark birth canal and coax her out into the light. She had a translucent quality about her the day she was born, a light which has never left her.

In this same month, I had the opportunity to create, with my ex husband, Pat,  a sacred ceremony that brought a healing closure to our marriage together as a couple. We were able to define the love and light that we shared, as the young lovers and believers that we dared to be.  We acknowledged our efforts and the ways we will always be a part of a family, while we now live apart. We spent time washing clear the past wounding that we caused one another as well as, exalted in the two lovers who took the risk to love unconditionally. I am grateful that we are able to be wise and mature enough to dignify our relationship again even as it transforms once more. Most couples never have the opportunity to create such important rites of passage and blessings of transition are as important as anything meaningful. It is one of the great failings of our society that doesn't offer more rituals of healing. 

Finally, in this time of spring renewal, I have made a new move into a relationship that involved me moving all my belongings into a new home. Packing, sorting, recycling, gifting, remembering, releasing, laughing, crying and holding on to those meaningful, energetic objects that tell the tale of my journey to date, as I continue down the river of possibilities.